I wasn’t really one of those people who knew at a young age I was trans, I knew something was wrong but my approach to that was to just stop associating my body with myself, that cope was probably why I was rather late to the punch on this. (started hrt at 26) I’ve easily lived most of my life in this disconnected state. My cope was too essentially tell myself it did not matter how I looked like at all or how I presented because all I was was the brain inside of this body. Of course that didn’t last.
It feels like I’ve been doing this too long to fully break out of it, because now I’m more aware of all the damage that has been done to my body that is impossible or out of reach to fully repair. I think I was just straight up too stupid to understand it all earlier and now Im paying the price for it.
I’m very familiar with dissociation. I knew I was trans around 14 or so. Had incongruence since early childhood but puberty really made things much worse and into full-blown dysphoria. Obv had zero chance of trooning out (and almost 20 years later, minors here still can’t) so I experimented with androgynous styles, goth make up etc. Nearly got my ass kicked just for that.
So I ended up repping eventually. How I did it was by dissociation. I just kinda disconnected from reality around 20 years of age. I was mentally fucked up already, so trooning out was still impossible. So instead of slipping into dissociation by accident, I weaponized it.
It will pass, I told myself. I just need to lock in, figure out a few extra personalities I can fall back on and just kinda ignore everything until the tranny thoughts go away. I developed more personalities over the years, when I crashed out on one, I switched to another, ignoring my actual self for over ten years.
The tranny thoughts eventually overpowered the dissociative personality switching methods and here I am. Old, decrepit but actually trooning out. Despite the pain of it all, it’s nice to feel something. It’s not all bad either. I don’t want to dissociate anymore.
Oh, and this is kinda funny so I suppose you’re entitled to some of my past personalities.