I just went on /lgbt/ and what if I am just insane… that place seems more honest about it… about ugliness, messed up sexuality, feeling sick, being an incels trying to cope, feeling like freaks… its a place where the idea that being trans is actually something real isn’t accepted compared with here…
And it makes me ask myself… what if they are right?
What if I’m just a male incel with delusions, a messed up sexuality, social retardation, too much internet access to early, trauma and mental illness…
Am I actually trans, is being trans even a thing? Besides passoids, transness is just ugly, always… at least thats what people say…
Lookism is also important, maybe the most important thing… if you are not pretty… you don’t deserve love
Right?
But I can’t justify it as something inherent to me… that’s the whole issue here!
I feel like you’re doing that by saying you’re a „horrible person who likes to be miserable“. But if you don’t think you habe to be this way then stop and change you can do it. You’re too used to your misery i feel like, too comfortable in it
Misery is what I know… it’s all I am and have been for most of my life… I’ve been obsessed with my suffering and understanding it for years.
It’s so deeply engrained, I can’t escape it
Now you‘re saying it’s inescapable again… you could change something rn but you refuse to do it. It’s your life you’re throwing away
But how do I stop… my entire life I’ve tried to change… tried to get better but never was able to actually change
You just to the things you know you have to do. You have free will you could literally order hrt rn
Yeah… sigh… I just can’t overcome this resistance within me… I’m sorry… I’ll try
You can and you will, it takes like a few minutes of being brave and then you‘ll be happy you did it