Ever since I can remember being conscious of my body I hated merely being male. But I could never be normal about it. I will likely never be normal about it. Any reminder that the only real alternative to man is woman makes me really sad, something that should be utterly obvious to me still manages to shock me everyday, like I’m actually living under some kind of rock everyday that insulates me from being reminded that I practically don’t exist to others as I do to myself and likely never will, not even in the eyes of other trannies, not even in the eyes of a good number of self-proclaimed nb’s. Every exposure to this reality I constantly hide from myself stings.
AMAB AFAB this, oh I’m such a theyfabmab aha. Ahahahahahahahaha. AHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Yeah, cuz it’s all about being perceived as natally male or natally female, that’s all any of this is, why did I ever delude myself into thinking it could ever be any deeper? When you sum it all up I’ll just end up looking like a natal female that’s trying to make their natal femaleness look a bit less obvious to the outside world, but still obvious enough that they don’t get straight up moid-boxxed again. If it was possible to be a permanent question mark maybe that’d be more a goal, but I don’t want to hear the questions or answer them, and they would come regardless, and everyone would feel they need an answer to engage with me, and what’s not asked with their mouths will be asked with their curious inspecting eyes, and any answer I can give besides man and woman will always be seen as a needlessly obscurantist gesture, a lie, a demonstration of politics, a philosophical statement.
Imagine wanting to look just female enough that you can obscure those traits and look like a natal female who’s obscuring female traits??? LITERALLY. That’s not how I’d like to think about what I’m doing to myself at all, but that’s what it feels like sometimes, thinking about the limits of my flesh and it’s social perception is pure self-harm. Cause then it’s like so you want to be a histrionic penis-envy cis woman? Is that it? Fml. The only time I can remember actually being optimistic about being nonbinary has been in internet echo chambers. When presented with the real world I’m just faced with the reality that it’s just men and women out there, and if I don’t want to be a man and I work towards not being one, womancoping eternally but in a GNC way is the only future, and like, maybe that’s fine I guess, if I can make that work then that’d be something… but it still hurts, and I don’t get why it should, have I not be on this rock long enough to learn that that’s just how to world is?
My subjectivity doesn’t reflect anything real. Assimilate. Assimilate. ASSIMILATE ALREADY, INSIDE AND OUT. That’s all that plays in my head. If I can’t be normal I should at least learn to act like it until it’s my norm. Being myself is just shooting myself in the foot. I need to conversion therapy myself into just thinking about these things like a normal binary troon, but like actually tho, ACTUALLY THO. I need to just swallow my hangups with a full binary transition and transmaxx already, not just externally but internally, re-write this whole retarded subjectivity that only gets me hurt, take advantage of the plasticity of my brain and rewire my dysphoria profile. It must be possible. I have to make this work.
We’re not even at a point yet where binary trans people can be anything but their natal sex until they pass and stealth, so why did I ever give myself hope that I could ever be “me”? Actual retard.
If I may ask, and I’m not sure if you posted this already somewhere on this community, but how much, would you say, of your dysphoria is social and how much is bodily? like the way your body is right now? For me I would say its probably mostly social. I have reached a good amount of androgyny. Is that even something you strive for? Androgyny? I think I would also like getting a nullectomy, but with that I could say goodbye to my sexlife, cause who would want to date a freak like me then? Even tho I think i would feel more comfortable in my body then.
Sorry that I am not capable of writing as much as you, you seem to be better at putting these thoughts into text. And also sorry if those questions are too personal. It’s just rare for me to find someone who can relate yk?
Okay I’m ngl this meme I remember tranners trashing on isn’t even that far off from what I’d like to be able to look like someday lmfao. I want to look like somebody who’d get this line of questioning because of how confusing I’d look, and I want to have confusing genitals, but I’d also never want to actually get asked any of these questions or answer them, because… okay I’m not gonna repeat myself but y’know y’know lol
Oh, silly me. I didn’t even address the dysphoria ratio in my reply lol. I’d say the social is a big chunk of what remains, yeah, but it’s one of those things I try to avoid thinking about because when I do I spiral in exactly the way I just did in the post above lmfao. Before hrt and surgery my dysphoria was very 50/50 social and medical, with a lot of both. Now it’s like 75/25. I will never “be nonbinary” socially, and I know it, so I just binarycope and binarycope, and then it builds up, and then I meltdown or shutdown in private, and then I re-enter the world and accumulate months of discomfort again… rinse and repeat.
I used to have mind-shattering bottom dysphoria that basically went from a 10/10 pre-orchiectomy to like a 3/10 post-orchiectomy. Really, it was actually that much of a difference… The phallus doesn’t bug me, tho what people expect me to want to do with it can bug me, and having testicles was absolute maddening ropefuel, and not having a vagina in addition to what I have also feels wrong, but fixing that particular problem feels so unlikely that I try not to think about it, and I’d probably only allow myself to think about it if major advancements in duosex bottom surgery were made in my lifetime. In sneed speak I’m bigender I guess, tho I’d say with a more female-ish skew. All the realistic transition goals I have are very theyfab-coded but realism isn’t even what I want either. When I’m alone with myself most of my physical dysphoria has been considerably reduced by orchie and hrt. I think if I got ffs I’d pretty much be able to move on from dooming. I want my skull to be fully female and my body to be androgynous.
And yes I do desire actual androgyny, but at times androgyny feels like the domain of females, so, y’know… if it was possible to just be an androgyne in a way where your birth-sex was assumed to be distinct from strictly being male or female, I’d take that path socially and medically without even thinking about it. If sexual hermaphroditism was normal enough, and duosex surgery was advanced enough that I could have those genitals and “stealth” as someone who’s nonbinary in a cisgender bi-sex way, I’d do that in a heartbeat. But since persuing my body would make me a freak who obviously opted into it in the eyes of most people, like, objectively, I just don’t do that even tho I want to.
If it sounds confusing why I’d worry about how other people perceive my genitals, it should be known that I’m kind of a nudist, and I like the idea of being non-sexually nude in the company of people who are also like that. Since I’m a tranny I don’t do that tho, and I feel like duosex surgery would just make that prospect even less possible
Again thanks for the long answers :)
Yea androgyny really does feel mostly like the domain of females I agree, and I also remember and loved those memes about being non binary, sometimes that happens to me and it always makes me happy (except for the one time where someone asked me in a very threatening tone). Some people get really angry when they cant tell whats in our pants…
For me the dysphoria ratio seems to be the same. HRT fixed most of it, maybe i will get some small surgeries but a lot of my dysphoria is social. I stopped binary coping tho.
i hope societal and medical advancements will make it possible for us both to get rid of our dysphoria completely. One can hope amiright…?