My sexuality has always been really confusing and I have often found myself wishing I never had sexuality in the first place. Sex, to me, just feels like a completely hedonistic indulgent activity. But at the same time I yearn to be able to have sex without feeling immense shame and disgust. If I had some drug that could eliminate all sexual feelings from my brain, I would definitely take it. I wish I could relate it more to love, but I’ve never experienced love and I don’t think I will. I’ve never had any sexual experiences with anyone, and don’t plan on it.

I think my sexuality fits pretty nicely in agp meta-attracted. Starting at around 10 years old, I developed agp behaviors and thoughts, and engaged in borderline sissy stuff (faketrans ik). I still don’t know why or how it showed up, if it’s a manifestation of dysphoria, or if I’m really just a sissy fetishist (if this is true im terribly sorry for invading your space). I don’t think I’m a fetishist because it went away shortly after, and all I have now is crippling dysphoria in my 20s, and if I understand correctly, fetishes are life-long ordeals?

It was also around that age that I knew I was a bottom/sub. My most erotic experiences were playing with toys (I won’t describe further). The reason I call myself meta-attracted is because I like dick, and my primary source of intercourse would be through penetration, but I don’t find myself attracted to men to quite the same degree. I’m gynephilic, in the sense that women’s bodies can be arousing, but I have never imagined myself having intercourse with a woman. The only way I have ever imagined sex was with a man, and I usually relate to all the faceless man explanations that people give when describing meta-attraction. I pair this with agp because I’m most interested in what’s being done to me. My focus is on my body and how it’s being pleasured but not necessarily on the man doing it.

But it just always gets so confusing in my head, because I’ve definitely been attracted to men before. In the locker room in middle school I was entranced by the body of one of my bullies. In another situation I realized I really liked my guy friend, but got incredibly scared and tried to bury my feelings. In high school I almost confessed my love for another guy, but didn’t do it and ended up crying. In college I was really attracted to a particular guy and tried to initiate a conversation by offering my charger because his laptop was dying (this was entirely automatic, I just felt like I had to do something to talk to him). I have never done any of this to women! Ever! In fact, my whole life I’ve been trying to avoid these types of encounters with women. But since we live in a cis hetero-normative society, you’re essentially raped by society into fitting in line and having the attractions you’re supposed to have if you’re a boy. A lot of this shame is dissolving as I’ve slowly accepted I’m trans, but it still lingers.

I know I doubt my transness a lot here, but for once I’m putting it to rest. I feel so much grief over not being a cis woman. These scenarios wouldn’t be so shameful if my body was the way it should’ve been. I feel like because of it, I missed out on all the sexual experiences I should’ve had as a teen, and I will never get them back. Perhaps as I get further through my transition, the layers of shame will start to unravel and I will come to a more positive understanding of my sexuality. But for now, I’m okay with just avoiding romantic and sexual experiences altogether.

I’m actually curious what you think about my descriptions of sexuality. Do you think I’m agp meta-attracted? Maybe you think I’m a sissy fetishist lol? Ik you don’t really believe in AGP, maybe you think I’m just a regular trans woman that’s repressing androphilia from years of internalized transphobia and homophobia? Maybe bisexual? Would love to hear!