Okay so I generally have no idea now about anything, I can’t trust myself anymore, bunch of trauma memories seem so out of place I can’t really believe any of this, and as I remember more and more those memories seem to be further and further away from reality…

I asked around, no sings, nothing… I was completely normal child. Good grades, everything perfect, I was flawless.

It clashes so hard w what my brain been showing me… My father raping me and even sharing me w someone. I can’t really trust any of this, I’m constantly afraid I’m making up everything, both memories and my mental issues.

Also I have zero fucking idea what is exactly wrong w me, people been describing dissociation like I have… But I don’t even know what is default and what is not normal. I generally just don’t remember anything, not the past week, month, year, years… I only know information like “I’ve been in x, and did y sometimes”

It’s like I’ve never been alive, like I’m always in a moment, always a new person. No identity nothing. Just like I never formed in the first place. And idk if I’m making it sound worse than it actually is and on top of that I feel like my trauma was not enough because my state isn’t bad enough.

It all drives me insane, I talk w myself, I imagine some random monsters who show me trauma memories, but at the same time I’m not imagining them. I’m scared I’m in psychosis but it’s clear I’m not because I can easily distinguish reality from stuff in my head…

And it’s all so bizarre because it’s my norm, I always was like that, I didn’t even knew something is off until I’ve met bunch of 4tranners and talked to them… I need to go to the psychiatrist but I’m scared she will be a dumb fucking whore as always…

I’m so tired of all this retarded shit, I’m constantly half alive, I don’t understand myself, I don’t understand my life, I don’t have wants I just live automatically.

If u read all of this congratulations u have too much free time :p talking to no one helps and everyone at the same time helps

  • Fuwarei
    4·
    6 days ago

    With the memories and stuff that’s just literally like me. My memories are so shit and I know that I did not dissociate in my childhood, because it did not feel like dissociating nowadays. I was literally a fairly normal, maybe a bit more feminine boy, with some traumatic moments but nothing horrible. I am literally proof of ROGD existence, it all started when I actually knew what trans was.

    • Tamara
      1·
      6 days ago

      Going from dissociation to ROGD was a huge jump… It’s not proof for this at all, it probably means that focusing on being tranny has prompted you to start caring and analysing what was inside your head, which made you notice patterns you ignored before.

  • Tamara
    2·
    6 days ago

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. It feels horrible to not be sure of what is true - I accepted that in my mind there often is no way of telling what’s real and what’s in my head, it all affects me the same so I treat all of it as a part of my reality. It would be slightly more bearable if not for memory loss… Your experience is so close to mine, I’ve even made similar post two hours ago, but it was too long. I have no way of helping but least I can tell that I understand. The only thing I can recommend is writing journals, no matter how cringy you think it is, it keeps some parts of your mind safely on paper so you can return to them without distortion.

  • Professionalcat337
    2·
    6 days ago

    With memories it doesn’t matter if it is real. If it feels real to you then there will be the same psychological imprint and changes to the mind. You have to ankowledge the way that you feel about these memories and find ways to deal with the impact.

      • Professionalcat337
        2·
        6 days ago

        Yeah, sadly you just have these awful experiences and you have to try and find ways to process these feeling