Okay so I generally have no idea now about anything, I can’t trust myself anymore, bunch of trauma memories seem so out of place I can’t really believe any of this, and as I remember more and more those memories seem to be further and further away from reality…

I asked around, no sings, nothing… I was completely normal child. Good grades, everything perfect, I was flawless.

It clashes so hard w what my brain been showing me… My father raping me and even sharing me w someone. I can’t really trust any of this, I’m constantly afraid I’m making up everything, both memories and my mental issues.

Also I have zero fucking idea what is exactly wrong w me, people been describing dissociation like I have… But I don’t even know what is default and what is not normal. I generally just don’t remember anything, not the past week, month, year, years… I only know information like “I’ve been in x, and did y sometimes”

It’s like I’ve never been alive, like I’m always in a moment, always a new person. No identity nothing. Just like I never formed in the first place. And idk if I’m making it sound worse than it actually is and on top of that I feel like my trauma was not enough because my state isn’t bad enough.

It all drives me insane, I talk w myself, I imagine some random monsters who show me trauma memories, but at the same time I’m not imagining them. I’m scared I’m in psychosis but it’s clear I’m not because I can easily distinguish reality from stuff in my head…

And it’s all so bizarre because it’s my norm, I always was like that, I didn’t even knew something is off until I’ve met bunch of 4tranners and talked to them… I need to go to the psychiatrist but I’m scared she will be a dumb fucking whore as always…

I’m so tired of all this retarded shit, I’m constantly half alive, I don’t understand myself, I don’t understand my life, I don’t have wants I just live automatically.

If u read all of this congratulations u have too much free time :p talking to no one helps and everyone at the same time helps