Even If I abandon my family succesfully… what then? I will be left all alone, on my own. for what? to transition? and what comes after that? your usual shit, a job… career maybe. sex. having fun, and then you are on your deathbed. In the grand scheme of things, it really has no significance. a life like an NPC. without a greater goal, without reason.

I can believe in some sort of half assed individualist philosophical belief I made up. but that does not suffice, why would something I made up be greater than Islam for example? it exists for centuries, more than a billion people believe in it, it has a rich history, and it will not fade into obscurity like not in the coming centuries literally. And honestly muslims are usually much less depressed than western atheists, in my anecdotal experience. they do not fear death, they do not fear anything material. Even in the worst moments… they pray to God, there is like an assurance of some sort, that everything will be alright in the afterlife. like I keep worrying whether I will pass or not… going exceeding lengths in cutting away my family, just to look like a girl… is it really that deep? We will all just die anyway. people just fall into a hole when they abandon god it seems, like something is missing. A hole they try to fill up, but it never really fits right. Like me Tbh. I dont think i will feel fulfilled in any way really… life just seems very pointless.

having something steadfast, something that doesn’t go away like a God, is pretty important I think. I think we are just designed this way, or maybe it is all fake. religion may just be a coping mechanism made to cope about how shit the world is, and that it will be all better in the after life actually. idk just my shower thoughts. I should reconnect with my Salafist Wahhabi friend again.

Sorry I suck at writing.