yesterday i posted this https://lemmy.tranistan.com/post/21269 and ig the demons of samsara heard me so at night youtube recommended me a video essay about i saw the tv glow and i had a crashout, the first one in months, bursting into tears in a full blown panic attack

it rly seems like this existence actually broke my mind cause i knew this stuff!! i already watched this movie and i’m +2y on estrogen!!! but somehow i always repress and fall again in my own particular midnight realm. “but i’m ok with being a man on estrogen!!!”. lol. lmao even

since i stopped honmoding i entered, fucking again, in this simulacrum, this stage where everyday i wake up, and lights and images and people all pass me by like i’m trapped in a stage that is building itself as i walk through it

but i’m not rly progressing towards anything, and everything is a lie. a dream, a mirage, the reflection of the stars on the surface of a lake, but not themselves. everyday, i become more solipsistic. everything is mirror images, nothing is tangible

but i didn’t notice, i’m just realizing now after exploding, which happens every single time i remember that my ego exists and is buried alive, somewhere, agonizing

this movie is uncanny and terrifying. it pulls sentences i have said word by word, visual images that describe my internal world like if someone could photograph the shape of my soul. fuck, my dysphoria panic attacks are exactly like the final scene

i’m sry to the person in the comments section of my other post. i’m a fucking retard, and idk what to do with my stupid life. idk if i will survive. but i can’t keep bullshitting myself in this way. fuck