and it hit me. none of them talked of people they know dying. none of them expected anyone they know to die. they made jokes even, about how “eventually” at someones funeral they would say such and such or do such and such.

today alone two people i know were in danger or had disappeared suddenly. during the evening i only knew one of them was ok, it is only now that i sat down on the train and checked my phone that i saw the other was as well.

this is not counting the countless times i worried about my other friends today, worried that they were hurt or spiralling or in danger. sure, my anxiety makes it worse, but the worry would always be there.

this is also not counting how many times i thought of my own death today… as recently as the day before yesterday i even entertained the thought of killing myself on this day. death surrounds me, inevitable and cruel and undeserved. people i love more than anything who could so quickly vanish under the pain and cruelty and isolation of being a tranny.

to be trans is to be dead. to be excluded from the known and comfortable rails of living. to be something unthinkable and hateable,

and ignorable.

on the way back through the station, we passed a massive ad for the new harry potter series. i noticed that some vandal had stuck a tiny trans flag sticker right over harry’s forehead. “trans rights are human rights” it read.

as we sat down in the train. the friend i was with, who had earlier that evening spoken positively same sex marriage and how cruel and offputting homophobia was, asked me, “have you seen the new harry potter trailer? it looks so good…”

thus lives the tranny, in death and erasure, a tiny illicit stamp on the civilisation wide landscape of cissiety. and thus live i, repressed and unfixable, and grieving all my loves long before they wither.

  • NarcissusOP
    8·
    8 days ago

    also posted on reddit… and mentioned the site for diane…

  • Annaflll
    7·
    8 days ago

    Each new generation of trannies slowly moving out of being in deep shit, all trannies will be happy!!

    At least I tell this to myself to not feel bad…

  • Ari303
    4·
    8 days ago

    cis people fundamentally don’t understand what it’s like to have their labor exploited in the same level as trans people. unless they know someone who’s terminally ill they just don’t get it. it’s fucked.

  • tabbyqat
    4·
    8 days ago

    the difference in how cis ppl perceive time is so jarring. i can barely imagine my life a year from now, let alone any life milestonesTM or growing to an old age. every day blurs into the next.

  • somethingnazar
    4·
    8 days ago

    it’s always bewildering to me whenever i’m reminded that normies are not just ceaselessly humbled by and in fear of death. i say normies and not cissies because i’m not even sure how much this has to do with being a suicidal troon. i had an inexplicit dread for the certain yet unknowable march toward the end long before the rogd thoughts manifested into an interpretable form.

    • t. choder
      2·
      8 days ago

      I can’t really remember a point in my life where I wasn’t existentially fixated to a highly abnormal degree. Maybe this is the consequence of us being ensouled and them being hylics lmfao /hj

  • t. choder
    3·
    8 days ago

    Holy qualitypost nona

    Almost all my friends are trannies at this point and I never really know if they’re gonna make it thru the year. And I never really have any confidence that they’re doing even a little bit good. Sometimes I forget how… utterly simple and emotionally uncomplicated cisoid life is… talking to cisoids casually about life feels just as disconnecting as when I talk to richoids who grew up skiing every winter and traveling across the world every summer vacation when I just rotted at home and watched 24/7 dysfunction by contrast. Like how does a tranny even begin to relate to cisoids? It’s honestly beyond me some days.