I think you would be happier as a woman, from the things you said:

I want to be beautiful, I want to pass… I wish I didn’t have to be a man

I felt the same way. you don’t have to continue to be a man. you can be beautiful, you can look like a woman. the least you can do for yourself is try.

I wish I was allowed to like men… wish I could also like women but not as a man

why are you uncomfortable to have a boyfriend/girlfriend as a guy? I can get not wanting a boyfriend as a man because of homophobia. to me, this seems like you’re just trans and you have dysphoria. at the least, you’d be happier as a woman

I always wanted to be like a big strong men because I’ve felt like this is what I’m supposed to be.

as another post says, that’s very fembrained to submit to what society expected of you (I say this mostly ironically).

if a man is what you were “supposed to be,” but you feel uncomfortable being that and you can’t really explain why (so it’s not a fetish), and then you’d be comfortable being a woman and wish you could have been one… that’s gender dysphoria and being trans. I really don’t know what else to say. I’m not even putting words in your mouth.

I want to wear beautiful clothes and want my body to be beautiful too. I want to the beauty I see in women too. I want to be able to sing like a women. Want to be able to be loved as one.

again, I think you’d be happier as a woman, and I think you are one.

I can’t tell you I’ve always suffered and get idk a psychotic break from seeing my male body because I don’t.

me neither. I didn’t think about my gender at all – I didn’t think anything felt “off” about my body – but I still wanted to be a woman. when I started hormones and I started to see changes to my body, it was like a weight was lifted off of me. and I started to realize that my “normal” was just a state of dissociation and feeling disconnected from my body. maybe that will be similar for you.

I must be just mentally illand a discussing trannymaxxer

I don’t deny you’re not mentally ill.

have you read the transmaxxing manifesto? transmaxxing is what happens when someone has as many brainworms and does as much mental gymnastics as you do. I think you should watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAA1XtDOuH8

I don’t feel like starting HRT is even worth it because even if I am not fake, I will never pass and be ugly.

first, you’re not fake. second, hrtrepping is still so much better than repping. there are so many posts of people regretting not starting hormones earlier and repping for so long: how your body will keep masculinizing if you don’t take HRT, how you’ll suffer more, how your dysphoria will grow more intense.

nona, I’ve lurked here for the past month and I hate to see you not only suffer like this, but deny yourself any salvation. look, the effects of estrogen are mostly reversible up for a few months. so many people here can help you get on DIY. I know you want to take it, but you’re just being so harsh on yourself.