cross-posted from: https://tranistan.com/post/19073
I never thought “oh I hate puberty” because I always just thought “I hate myself” and then simply didn’t care for my appearance or anything at all really. I was just a depressed suicidal teen, wasting time on the internet and obsessing narcisstically about my own suffering or about imagined future success. I have nothing to show for in life and I’m empty inside.
Me “being trans” is just another delusional identity trying to fill a whole inside of me where no soul is. And me realizing that I am trans only at 19y old is proof of all of this. I am not real. I’m just a faker.
I don’t feel like starting HRT is even worth it because even if I am not fake, I will never pass and be ugly.
Thank you so much. Actually the video you linked is the one that made me realize I am trans months ago and made me cry and cry on end for the next week afterwards where I just lied in bed and couldn’t move and it was all too much and since then I’ve just tried to push it all away and self pathologize to be honest :(
that video broke me for a while too. I’ve probably watched it 5 times over. I’m sorry how much you’re hurting. it’s not fair.
in a weird way, I’m relieved to hear you say that, specifically the self-pathologize part. I know it hurts so much to be trans. but there’s no escape from it, and there’s hope in transitioning.
nona, I know one day you’ll be ready. it’s going to be okay, no matter what.