If being a trans woman involved always agonizing over not having a very specific sexual configuration and phenotype, I could probably be considered nb on some level, as my physical transition goalposts have a tendency to move around, much to my frustration, but never in a way that makes me cis. That being said, even at my most enby-feeling, the idea that people who perceive me are not seeing me as female is persistently a terrifying idea. This is mostly because that means they’re 100% seeing me as a man, cuz that’s just how it is…

Maybe if it was possible for people to look at me and be like “there’s one of those not male or female people!”, MAYBE then, not being seen as a woman would be palatable, even good. Hell, a part of me feels like if it was expected for trannies to fulfill some weird spiritual third-gender role in the community, as has been the case in some cultures, I’d actually like it, even tho it’s third-gendering, cuz ultimately that’d point to not being spiritually seen as a man at least, and also cuz I’m kind of an esoteric weirdo so I’d feel rather at home.

But regardless, I just generally know that, deep down, the best I can hope from woke people is for them to think “is that person nonbinary woman or nonbinary man?”, and with everyone else it’s just “man or woman… hmmm what genital is easiest to imagine this androgynous weirdo owning?”. So in practice I just end up being more mentally preoccupied with socially being seen as a female than even most trans women I’ve met irl, cuz I don’t want people having to think deeply about what I am and how to interact with me, and I can’t stomach being seen as male, and I mostly trooned to run away from that, as opposed to running to anything. I default to she/her for similar reasons, for even tho abstractly I’d like for gender pronouns to be eliminated from language, proclaiming alternative language for myself does not undo the he’s and she’s people assign to me in their head based off of assumed anatomy. But also I never want to leave androgyny, even when I feel all foidly, as I don’t want to go too far and get reverse dysphoria when I once again feel differently about things.

So idk, does that on it’s own make me a foid in ur eyes if I’m always obsessing over wanting to be seen as one and functionally “live as one”?? Maybe I’m just an identity-disturbed BPD retard of a woman idk

    • t. choderOP
      2·
      20 days ago

      This echos a lot of the thoughts I’ve had about these things at my most self-affirming, and hearing it from you as you’ve packaged the argument really helped me organize my thoughts and feel a bit less crazy, and I really appreciate that Nazar. Ur a real one.

      I think what drives me nuts is how internally my experience is clearly very different from most binary troons in here, but my goals are basically the same in most departments that are socially relevant. Like I’m crazy fixated on fitting into one end of sexual dymorphism despite wanting to be an androgyne, just, y’know, not too wombynly. And crazy fixated on wanting to be regarded as a wombyn despite consciously seeing that as a mere lesser-evil on most days, as opposed to something that is simply true. If I tell someone I’m a man I feel like a liar, tell them I’m a woman I feel like a liar who’s telling a better lie, tell them I’m enby and just feel like a retard or an obscurantist. Tell mainstream enbies my feelings and I sound like some schizo transmed binary troon. Tell mainstream binary troons my feelings and I end up sounding more binary than them… but idk, I just want a body that is least likely to make me dysphoric and to also be safe…

      But yeah idk I’ll be less hard on myself I guess lol.