Three months ago I started taking estrogen. Today I stopped. The euphoria of finally admitting to myself that I am a transgender woman six months prior was already starting to fade before I had started and I feel no different emotionally or mentally from when I started. I would keep HRT repping but physical changes are starting to become visible. I’m 35, I knew if I was was going to transition socially it would mean I’d have to honmode and I thought I had accepted that; I’ve posted to fitttts and toonselfies and got positive receptions, I even showed up to two therapy sessions in girlmode and felt good about it both times. But now I feel it’s the time to either lock in (switch to injections, start laser, etc) or quit and I’m quitting. I’ve waited too long and it feels like I’d be blowing up my life with little chance of actually ending up happier for it. A month ago I started taking an SSRI, I feel this has helped me more psychologically than estrogen has. Over the last two weeks I’ve also started drinking and getting high significantly more - those are not ideal coping mechanisms, they got me through much of the last 15 years but at a significant cost to my physical health that I know will only get worse as time goes on. Maybe I’ll start HRT again. Maybe I’ll dissociate the rest of my life away. Maybe there’s another path. I don’t know. But I’m stopping my transition, at least for now. I’m sorry.