When I got my orchie I kept the scrotum with the basic idea being if I ever muster up the courage (and the money) to get duosex surgery and live out my bigenderfag dreams, I’d need it… and if I ever wanted to just get full-srs for transmaxxer and anti-opticsnuke reasons, I’d also need it.

But talking about all this dysphoria stuff with people has really got me convinced that the latter option would on some level amount to just plain old self-defeating self-harm, and the former is just… perhaps something I’ll never have the courage to look another human in the eyes and say that I want (much less say that I have). Not to mention maintenence/dilation supposedly being even more of a nightmare with this surgery, just general shame, the feeling of knowing it’s “not the real-deal srs” cuz missing sensations and stuff (so not worth it), insurance coverage being very spotty and/or non-existent a lot of the time, me just kinda being a big wuss and this surgery being very intense, etc.

I can’t help but think about how… just neat and tidy it’d be to no longer be all scroted… sure I would be permanently locking myself out of ever feeling fully and completely alligned with my body, but like who am I kidding, really… I’m not confident the tech is good enough anyways. I’m just at a point where the idea of abandoning my scrote status sounds kinda peak, I guess. It’d be pretty good insurance against ageing too, as it’ll never get all old and flabby if it’s just not there at all. It’ll reduce bulge a tad-bit too, make tucking even easier than it very much already is. I really wouldn’t feel that much weirder than I already am too, cuz I really wouldn’t be. No more need to get a bunch of hair-removal on the scrotum, no more delusional hopes about getting a surgery a part of me knows I’d struggle to arrange for myself cuz the possibility would just be gone.

Freeing myself from this crushing hope for something that feels so improbable and unreal is kinda one of the biggest appeals, truth be told. To just know for certain that this is my body now, the genital I’ve got to live with and will continue to live with, might just allow me to start thinking about tranny shit all-day less. Narrowing my possibilities just might save me some headspace…

But then a part of me also feels crushed by the idea of that dream never being realized. Hopefully they start lab-growing genitals for troons and this whole scrotum concern ends up being meaningless mental torture once the options available to me. And like, by then maybe I’ll be like 40 or something with a bunch of disposable income to throw at TRULY physically actualizing all of myself for once. Idk. I probably think about this everyday. I just want to stop it. Just say “I will never fully be” and close that door.