It’s been like a month and a half since I tired to be more active in my life, and I get I’m supposed to be proud I’m doing more than what someone in my shoes would statistically do, but it’s a different type of hollowing feeling to look at the effort and see nothing but a hill, and look forward and see a mountain covered with fog. I don’t get why it’s so demoralizing to be doing the right things, making the effort, staying sober, and every step of the way tripping and falling, and just, not having anything to show for it yet. I don’t really have friends to talk about this sort of thing with, and I’m tired of journaling like it doesn’t just record how I feel and doesn’t actually help digest it. I don’t know. I’m so tired. I try to help others, it hurts to not have as much help as I need, and it hurts to starve in between small wins that could be taken from me any time I mis-step.