I was walking to therapy today, and I passed by a man who looked to be about 10 years my senior (for context, I am 40), he signaled to me that he had some kind of question. I wasn’t in a rush and I am a dumb tranny who didn’t get female socialized, so I didn’t just continue walking while acting like I didn’t hear him. I stopped to see what’s up, because my self worth is wrapped up in being of use to others.

He starts in with a lot of flattery about how I’m beautiful, very beautiful, how my smile is beautiful, and I’m thinking “oh this is a homosexually gay man, this is a man who sees me as a type of fellow man and he’s feeling extremely gay about it, this man is gay for penis and he is hoping that I have a penis that I can use for sex with him” but then beneath that thought was another, “this man actually thinks I am a woman and he will be very upset if he finds out that I made him gay”.

Like, I talk on here about how I believe I qualify as a passoid even though that doesn’t feel right at all. Every signal that I get from the outside world tells me that I am seen as a woman. But it’s so fucking hard to believe it! And so these are the thoughts that come up.

But of course I smile, I need to be smiling. He finally gets to his question, which turns out to be “are you married”, and I point to my ring and say yes and I explain a bit about my wife, and I mention that I’m on my way to therapy and I’ll have to be moving along, and he’s saying more nice things and we’re saying our goodbyes and handshaking then he hits me with “Can I have you” while holding my hand with no shakes

So now I’m not exactly thinking in words anymore, it’s more like sirens and alarm bells and flashing red signals of danger, and I’m trying to take it lighthearted like “I’m taken 😄” pointing to the ring again, and he’s smiling too and saying “taken!” back to me like it’s such an absurd concept, and then I also explain that I am really seriously mentally ill and that’s why I have to get to the therapist so he doesn’t want any of this anyways, and he’s like “I’m a little bit too!” and I’m like “haha yeah I guess you have to be in this day and age, ok see you later” and he’s like “will I see you later” and I was like “yeah I walk down this road a whole bunch” while on the inside thinking about how I will never walk down this road again.

Allie is short for ment allie ill, I guess. And also I’m kind of stupid and frankly it is some kind of miracle that I am still alive because of how my survival instincts are bad. There is no reason I should be getting in a situation like that. I need to stop feeling like I need to be of use to every person. But I did get a compliment!! I am probably a future murder victim.