Guilty

Really really guilty

Kinda like a mix of survivors guilt and religious trauma

I know I shouldn’t probably be feeling this way

But I’ve been stressing myself out the past couple days

I’m worried that I’m both in some ways luckier than some of y’all, but in others deeply disturbed, confused, and generally mentally unstable…

Like I’m dooming about stuff that I imagine y’all get mogged by… and yet I’m still dooming… it feels terrible, and I maybe shouldn’t but it also makes me wanna hurt myself…

And I can’t reliable get affirmation that I’m being stupid… I need constant reassurance sometimes, especially when I feel alone

Which I do very often…

I think I’m not really certain about my place in life

I don’t think I’ll ever be happy as the cissies are, and my hope is that one day I’ll just be able to live my life… but that’s likely be at like 27 or something

I’m worried so much could happen from now till then

I’m also worried that as I age, I’m not gonna be passing as much… in a way I’m worried that the most feminine I get to be is now… this may be a stupid line of thinking but sometimes I imagine myself masculinizing and it… is genuinely some of the worst feelings I experience…

I also am having a hard time imagining myself even reaching 27, not to even talk about further than that,

Life has really gotten me for a spin, heh?

I wanna stop dooming, I wanna live my life, I wanna know I’m a pretty girl… I just feel so… icky

I’m not sure if I’m a passoid, I know I’m supposedly not a hon either, but it’s really uncomfortable to be in this state…

I desire certainty

I want stability

I just want a break from having my pedal on the gas to transition as fast as possible

I’m terrified

And fear is my primary motivator

And I’m tired…

And I look forward to closing my eyes…

Not today but I imagine some day soon

(^ᴗ^)