I feel like I am developing an eating disorder and I just don’t know what to do about it since I am still obese and need to lose weight

I flip between binging and not eating at all I eat totally irregularly. On a normal day I will eat only one small meal in the morning that I many days skip then I cook for my mom and myself at night and I purposely don’t finish what I make for myself then throw out the trash so she doesn’t see that I threw away half my food. Some days though I will still eat a ton if my mom wants me to go out to dinner with her or if we have something like a birthday or holiday. I can’t believe how much I can eat shouldn’t I eventually not have an infinite appetite if I am losing weight and eating so little.

I almost never eat anything between meals for any reason now. If I ever fail to not eat between meals I have been slowly more and more often chewing and spitting solve my craving for binging. Although as of recent I have been losing much of any hunger or cravings that could exist in the first place I love feeling empty.

I have failed to develop an eating disorder throughout my life for just over the past decade probably starting in middle school because of my almost lack of a gag reflex. I am not stupid I know I have been at risk of an eating disorder due to this but I always kept it at once I ate too much I would try to throw up then fail maybe once to three times a week. Much the same as that despite having suicidal ideation I always think about killing myself with a gun something which I don’t have access to and I am terrified if I ever do. Now though I have developed a way to graduate from the potential of disordered eating to acting upon it.

I am still actually fat I need to lose weight I am about 5 foot 8 and 222 lbs. I started at 300 lbs just ridiculously obese. I think this really got going when I stalled out on weight loss in March. I feel stupid and like I am larping having any problems with eating or like that I am trying to have disordered eating so that I can keep losing weight because I am such a failure at losing it and for getting fat in the first place. I also don’t feel like I can or want to stop.