It’s probably just childhood nostalgia, but a certain part of me misses when I didn’t really understand what was happening, when the thought dating guys was forbidden love, when I would fall asleep imagining myself as a girl so that I could date guys. I even kinda miss being told that homosexuality is akin to murder, and being so paranoid that I was afraid my parents would somehow read my mind and hear my thoughts of liking guys and feeling like a girl, so much so that I avoided think about it around them.

I used to pray to God to make female, I used to imagine that I found a genie in a lamp and I would use my three wishes to wish that I was a girl, to wish everyone remembered me as one, and to wish I was pretty.

I didn’t know about transexuals at all, but I’ve also thought I was a woman, I used to think I would literally go through female puberty and then be just every other girl.

I read the wandering son manga when I was like 12, and it really resonated with me back then (although today that manga makes me kinda angry), that was the first time I’ve ever heard of someone like me, even if fictional, and I thought my life trajectory was being a cross dresser until I could do basically a diy orchi.

I missed how simple it all seemed, I missed seemingly like I was the only one in the world that went through this, which is probably kinda narcissistic but whatever

No one cares, this is probably really pretentious and self absorbed, and I am kinda a parental luckshit, but this is just for me, I use this place as my diary.