Please don’t hate me for this I’m sorry I know I’m privileged

I moved in with them a couple states away (blue state, good city for trannies). This is a pride flag on their wall. They’re super sneedy and said some pretty annoying things, like “if I was in your state I would be hatecrimed” (doesn’t look trans at all, isn’t transitioning). But otherwise would be extremely accepting if I did.

The only thing stopping me is that I’m embarrassed. I feel super privileged and a loser and faketrans that I have this perfect opportunity and my instincts are telling me to hide and just hrt rep. I brought my womens clothes with me and they have seen them so they clearly know something is up.

I had a conversation where they basically asked like why I wasn’t wearing those clothes, because “this is one of the safest households to do that.” And I just said like I was shameful or something. Then they said they came out as nonbinary at 30 and so “its okay to figure yourself out.” I’m really bad at communicating and I just try to ignore the conversation if I can.

The thing is I don’t think I’m ready to honmode. I’m only 3.5 months hrt and don’t really look like a woman at all. It would be too embarrassing and humiliating, and I don’t want my transness to be a spectacle if that makes sense. I honmoded in front of my parents pre hrt because I just couldn’t take it anymore but like looking back on it I guess I just hated how clocky and male I looked, and I ended up going back into hiding even though my mom asked if I wanted to change pronouns (I said no, I’m so sorry don’t hate me ik I’m retarded). But it felt amazing to not hide.

I’m just… Too scared. It’s too many uncomfortable conversations to have. But at the same time, I’m really losing it. My uncle doesn’t know anything so I just have to hear bs remarks like “you would make a good Spike cosplay” (thanks i look like a man 😑) and like wanting me to be masculine and go into manhood. So being able to do hands-on manly stuff, and constantly remarks about finding me a girlfriend (cause I’m such a manly man I have to like women). I’m sick of being expected to be a man. He would also be accepting though

At the very least I just wish they knew I had gender dysphoria and that’s why I’m so depressed. But how do you even begin to talk about that… It feels so impossible like I just can’t get the words out even if I want to.

And not to mention like idk what if I really am faketrans and detransition later like that’s a pretty embarrassing thing to walk back. But on the other hand me not coming out is delaying my transition because I’m not finding a clinic to get referrals to surgery and I’m not learning mannerisms or voice training.

Aghh its just all spinning in my head and I can’t think straight. I probably should do it