i want the body i had before i was obese. i did all the work. i lost the weight. i starved myself. went to bed hungry. cried on the scale. counted calories obsessively to the point where my friends threatened to buy me food since they knew id feel bad if they wasted money on me.
and yet i still carry the scars. my body will never be the same. its ruined. no one could love this body. its disgusting. too fat and too skinny. flab here, flat there. hard yet soft. its horrible.
why did i do all of it? why did i suffer so much losing weight if it was all for nothing? its not fair.
I‘m so sorry Alex, you don’t deserve to feel this way. I sometimes feel similarly ruined because of my scars. But it doesn’t mean you’re ruined forever, people can still love you, still find you pretty, even if it feels hard to believe that. I know in the end it matters most how you feel about it, you’re the one living in it after all. And i truly hope you can get to a place where you feel okay about it one day, it takes a lot of time to get reach that but I am sure you can get there or closer to it. Maybe doing what you wanted to recently would help a bit? Working out and all that
I know i can’t convince you of this, i know myself that that’s not how this works, but I truly don’t think you look bad or ugly or masculine. I remember the first time i saw pics of you, i think they were from your trip to japan, and when comparing those to what you look like now, i genuinely think you’ve come a long way already. It will get better. I hope you can feel like they are too one day