I’ve noticed a cycle that I’ve had for… forever. Currently it’s obsessing over the possibility I’m faketrans. It goes something like this:

  1. Something triggers me, or the thought comes from nowhere, and all the sudden I’m obsessing over the fact I might be faketrans. So perhaps I was feeling aroused and my attention shifted to my genitals, I might erroneously believe that because I even gave my genitals attention it means I don’t have bottom dysphoria and therefore I’m not trans.

  2. The obsessive thought causes immense distress and anxiety. I typically start panicking and replaying the trigger and continuing down an irrational train of thought. Such as:

I’m paying attention to my genitals -> I must not feel immense distress by them -> I’m faketrans -> I must be transitioning entirely because of a fetish -> I don’t deserve to be in trans spaces and I should detrans.

I get distressed enough to start crying but other times my behavior can change in strange and unpredictable ways.

  1. I engage in my compulsion, which for the past couple months has been making a post on c/fakettttrans. Usually this post is made extremely quickly with no revision or critical thought, and I’m always supremely convinced that I’ve “found the answer.” But in the back of my mind I know what I’m really after:

  2. Reassurance. The posts inevitably get a couple sympathetic replies assuring me I’m being delusional and am not faketrans. After reading the replies I capitulate and abandon my previous irrational belief I was so confident in. What follows is relief. I’m given a break from the thoughts and, for a moment, am confident in my transsexuality.

But emotions are transient, and time passes, and I’m inevitably sent back to the beginning of the cycle fixating on another absurd reason for why I’m faketrans.

The issue is, it’s not just assurance. It’s reassurance. I have made posts over and over again, with the exact same themes, all receiving the exact same responses. I can tell I’m tiring people. And reassurance doesn’t help in the long run. I haven’t changed at all. This cycle (specifically for faketrans obsessing) has gone for months and I haven’t reached an epiphany of any sort.

Reassurance doesn’t help and I’m afraid it may be part of the problem. I’m thinking the only way to overcome this is to stop in the anxiety stage and just sit with it - to notice the anxiety but not engage in the compulsion. All emotions are transient so it must pass eventually.

What I’m more terrified of is that I won’t follow my own advice! Despite my current lucidity, I turn into a different, entirely irrational person, unable to break the cycle once it has started.

I think I need help.

  • noneday4
    2·
    22 days ago

    Hi Hannah! I am happy to learn your name :)

    Yea you have it exactly right. You will need to sit with the discomfort.

    If you aren’t already doing it, a good first step you can start with, before attempting to change your compulsive behaviors, is practicing mentally labelling the thoughts / actions as being part of your obsessive/compulsive loop. Like saying to yourself “yep, that’s my brain doing that thing again.”