I have fantasies of burning myself alive or cutting myself to the point where i bleed out from the hatred I feel for my brick young man amab male body, it’s ridiculously bad and I wish I was dead because of it alot of times. I don’t think I’m going to live long but I don’t want to traumatize my boyfriend. There’s no way out of this and coping doesn’t work either. I brutalized myself long ago and there’s no way to move on from it.