Earlier today my old college roommate texted me to see how I was doing, and I was honest and I told him I am not doing great, because of the recent horrifying news and some indignities I was facing due to being trans. And he tried to give me some talk about how by orienting my life around being trans as a means to stay alive, I view my whole existence through the lens of trans identity rather than thinking of the other ways I’d want to live and be remembered.

I know it is hopeless to try to do something about this level of cis cluelessness, but I had to send something, since I’ve known him for like 23 years. So, I sent him the following email. It probably won’t accomplish much, but maybe you all would get a kick out of it.

Hi [Friend],

I can imagine that it doesn’t feel good to see someone you care about in distress, but there is just so much to all of this. I hadn’t gotten much sleep last night because I was upset about the girl who had been murdered. I keep thinking about it and crying. She deserved so much better than this. And now we’ll see an extended period of time with people saying the most awful things and continuing the disgrace of her memory.

I saw a popular comment about the case earlier. Someone said that because the guy stabbed her 40 times, this wasn’t just a simple murder, it was a crime of passion. They wondered what she did to bring this on herself. It reminded me of my final in-person conversation with my Dad when he suggested that trans women have it coming when they get murdered by men, because why would the men lie about being deceived? And that’s just such a terrible thing to do to a man. Of course he’s going to do something, what kind of man would let that stand.

There is something the world has been telling me since at least the Ace Ventura movie, in the end scene when the trans woman is stripped before a crowd by the movie’s hero, revealing her penis and making all gathered vomit in unison; there is something terribly disgusting about the existence of a trans woman. And there is nothing that can happen to her that won’t make most people think “well, what did you expect?”

I saw that this was in people and I nearly killed myself to not be subjected to it. And then when I reached the point where I could no longer take it, multiple governments and newspapers amplified their campaigns to suppress and eliminate trans existence, and cultural figures cashed in on it. And so now it’s every day with this disgust on display, like any moment of my life can be interrupted by a parade of vomiteers. What did I expect.

This shit ruined my entire life. Gender is the primary social interface and while I have only been transitioning for a tenth of my life, my alienation from this interface has been dominant and foundational and defined everything. It’s why I still feel guilt to be noticed or take up space and why I’m such a shitty friend who can’t ever feel like I have the worth to initiate my presence in someone else’s life.

When you were thinking of the other ways my life would be defined after my death aside from my transness, were you thinking about the cartoon I made about the young boy who gets so horrified by what existence as an adult man looks like, he retreated into a self destructive world of fantasy? Because I have some news for you. There’s transness in that.

If you don’t want to ask me about how I’m doing, that’s ok. But if you do ask me how I’m feeling, I’m not going to lie. It’s purely to inform. There is nothing about my situation that you can tell me from a position of ignorance.

I understand that you care and you mean well with it, and that still does boost my spirits that you’d notice my withdrawal. But believe me, I am doing the best that I can.

With love, -Allie