I still don’t feel like or I am fearful to admit that I might be autistic despite the people who have both told me that I am as an earnestly (also as an insult many times but here nor there). My refusal of admission is probably due to that my mother was always so proud of my lack of diagnosis of specifically autism despite my other learning disabilities that basically added up to autism+dyslexia.

I don’t think I need a diagnosis or not anymore but if I am autistic I wish I knew growing up. Maybe all the awkwardness wouldn’t have felt much better but at least I would have felt like it’s the way I am and not something that is a character flaw.