Was debating on what community to post this in and settled on this one, rather long post but whatever. fuck it.

I know it’s wrong to let it happen but I just can’t stop it. The present sucks and the future is bleak.

I miss worrying about less stuff. Not thinking about as much. Everything being more simple. Old friends and friend groups.

But nothing can stay the same forever. Things change. People change. It just is scaring me. I even find myself longing for the times I know I was miserable during. Is that all just life is? Seems so for me. I want to chase these things, get those feelings again but. They just aren’t there anymore. Many people I know have changed or moved on or just have more of a life in general. I’m still a NEET at 27 with no real end to this in realistic sight really and the world has moved on without me.

The element of thinking what could of been that comes with being trans does not help either. In a weird paradoxical way it’s what sometimes makes the past feel fake, but also the feeling makes me cling to it more. As it’s the main reason why I fear the present and future. And I miss the times where all of this wasn’t on my mind as a constant source of pain.

All of this is rather selfish I feel as well. The world is a horrible place and even at those times I was ignorant and happy, many were just suffering. The fact I have happy things to look back on while many other don’t. These feelings all just come with age too. Part of not being a child anymore. I know it’s wrong to obsess and cling to stuff but I can’t really stop it entirely.

At the end of the day, all we have, the only constants. It’s ourselves. And I don’t know if I can really live with that. It’s so lonely.