now i just wish i wasn’t so alone. life is so miserable, but i didn’t realise it could get worse. it did. i guess the worst it got the less people talked to me even online and now every time i have a panic attack i just go thought the day barely alive alone without even the illusion or pretext that it matters.
it can always get worse, even if it feels like rock bottom. huh.
the worst part is knowing i deserve this. no one has any obligation to care at all about me. if they don’t go out of their way to hurt me i have no right to complain. but it’s unberable to be this isolated, even if no one owes me conversation to help me calm down in a panic attack. i hate knowing it’s my fault and i deserve this and i can’t fix it and the only sollution is to get used to it because this is all there is to life.
i guess i’m not good enough to do that. idk. i’m too narcisistic and hednoistic to accept that i won’t get anything better in life and no one has any reason to care. i know it’s true but it hurt so much. i know it’s true and yet it makes me upset because i’m a narcissist and hedonist who thinks he should have more than what he deserves.