Genuinely how come some people feel grateful they’re trans. It makes me feel tired in frightening ways. As if not only my energy, but my very essence was rapidly leaking away. I have to put in ten times more effort than my cisgender peers to have ten times less than they have by default. I’m only 18, to be 19 this fall. Why do I have to be stuck in this shithole of a shithole with zero rights, zero abilities to DIY and yet I’m still actively looking for options because it’s either DIY or die, literally. I have to graduate college while working my ass off, struggling heavily with mental health and gender/sex dysphoria, constantly worrying how to save up money to flee the country. If I’m lucky to be alive by then, I’ll start thinking about documents, about how do I find a decent endocrinologist, a decent surgeon etc… How do I save up money for being a life-long medical patient. I wish I was rich at least yet I’m not. And then after 15 more years at best I can finally live for myself!!! At least I’m not gonna knock up a girl by accident cuz I’m a sterilized freak anyway!!! I should be grateful that my family didn’t disown me or kill me, just threatened to!!! What a fucking relief, something something divine trans experience. If transsexualism confirms existence of God somehow, this is truly a cruel sadistic moron with too much power. Because how could they allow some of their children come into this world inherently inferior to others, with much less possibilities in life? If I was Hitler in my past life or some shit, why not punish and torture me in that same life? Why making me suffer now for something I don’t even remember? I love my cis brothers and cis moid friends, but I’m afraid that my rage is going to inevitably poison our relationships. Some days my chest physically hurts merely at sight of them. Of what I should’ve been but I never will be. I’d really like to go fishing like my father teached me before he killed himself. I’d like to play hockey or basketball since early childhood like I always wanted to, but was met with “girls don’t do this” and didn’t have guts to talk back like I do now. Right now I’d like to gymmaxx, to play drums, to have pretty foids/moids reject me and bitch about it until I meet my true love, you know. Instead of it all, I was robbed out of my youth and I’m expected to feel grateful because I still have more than many trans people my age. Sometimes I shame myself for not pursuing my dreams, but then remember that all my resources are channelled at me just fucking surviving, I can’t compare myself with some random moid that had his happiness served to him on a silver plate. All I’m left to do is wait for a better life that may never come. It’s so fucking unfair, so sad and unfair.