• try painting my nails at like 15 or 16, just makes me feel worse because i get reminded i don’t have female hands, keep doing it regularly for years after just out of some strange underlying motivation probably hoping I’ll magically turn female by doing female things, even though it’s making me feel worse overall
• try on women’s clothes for the first time at 17, realize how fucked I am
• at the same age start thinking about hrt, doom lots because of how fucked i was already
• socially transition and start hrt at 19, have a really horrific and difficult time and go back to being a man as soon as i get home from the summer
• every time i try women’s clothes even to this day i feel worse, not better, I’ve thrown out/donated 90% of what I’ve purchased too
• electrolysis does nothing but sting, still have facial hair

idk, I’m convinced I’m faketrans, convinced I have no dysphoria, but there’s some kind of my brain broken that keeps supplying desire to transition, even though it only makes my life worse, not just by existing but by the fact that LISTENING makes it worse, if I just didn’t listen, be a man, I’d actually have a chill life, it’s just hard to imagine, but I don’t think Ive ever tried hard enough . I’m really convinced I don’t even like being a woman, I’ll probably transition and literally like it less than being a man, I just won’t be dysphoric, wtf does that even mean and how could that even happen