like, when i imagine getting top surgery and stuff, being okay with a more androgynous/masculine presentation, im not uncomfortable or sad. id be fine with that. but also, sometimes i feel like im only comfortable doing that because i know im never gonna really be a woman and the thought of trying to be one, failing, and looking like a disgusting amalgamation of male and female traits makes me want to kms.

like, id fully rather completely detroon, get top surgery, stop hrt, etc. than be a visibly unpassing trans woman trying to actively present as a woman. but if i was shorter, my face less masculine, proportions slightly better, stuff like that? idk if id have these issues revolving around AAP and stuff.

cause the AAP feelings are real, but i think they might only exist because i dont have a good chance of passing as the kind of woman id want to be. ultimately it doesnt matter cause materially my feelings are the same regardless of where they come from. i still want to be androgynous rather than fully feminine, but yeah, idk.