life is a humiliation ritual but it’s extra shameful that no one can even be bothered to pretend to care. i love that i went to extended family that’s “supportive” because i was so unsafe with my parents and i couldn’t live alone because eastern european disabled tranny good luck with work! and they’re so supportive that i come home in a panic attack as you often do yknow and they can’t even be bothered to glance at me. i know we don’t talk to each other except when i ask them why they’re ignoring me and treating me like this in which case they bother to respond that it’s actually fine stop being hysterical or smth but like. wow ugh not even looking up from their phones like “of the freak that occupies the other room is here again”
i love that yesterday i went to a ““queer”” hangout thing because the social worker at the lgbt org here said i should try (i go there because my half sister told me to, so she can feel better about ignoring my panic attacks ig) and obviously it went to shit. i left almost immedately luckily but it probably set me back a lot. i have a job interview in 2 days and i still don’t have a single piece of clothing decent enough to wear to it (hoodies probably don’t work in that setting) and there’s no way i can build enough confidence to buy any without a panic attack in that time. and of course no one cares and no one would ever bother to help at all. i think i’ll fail this job interview and partly because i got so full of myself i though i could just go to a hangout event. as if i didn’t have every chance to learn i don’t get to be a person