in bed, thinking of the past. every day. often it makes me cry, even though compared to most of your stories my experiences seem mild. I tend to accumulate a large backlog of tasks and complete them at the last moment. and past few months felt as if it was a backlog of all the things I was supposed to feel throughout my life, and they decided to run through me all at once, I owe to process them after all, I refused to do it before. I don’t mind that but why, why did it have to happen at the moment when I already have a pile of shit begging to be done in uni. I’m trying to force myself to do a single thing for the third month in a row and fail. like, I have to start doing something when a philosophy professor asks whether or not I’m planning to finish the course (i didnt turn in a single assignment since new year). the only thing I do is complain about how much I need to do. this time might be the first time Im genuinely scared I won’t get away with that. im way too overwhelmed. I don’t know where to begin and how to manage all of this. Im not sure if I’ve reached the critical point yet. dropping out means I would need to deal with military service bullshit and I don’t have a plan. I want things to change yet do nothing. do nothing and yet I’m somehow so tired. I wish I had a year to just stay at my room, alone, without constant deadlines, maybe then I would make sense of myself. what the fuck is wrong with me. sorry for the rant. it’s just some babytrans bullshit probably. whatever.
it’s not bullshit, it’s seriously overwhelming. just do what you can.
i force myself to eat once and rarely do anything else throughout the day. i cant accept that this is enough, because to get out of the current situation I need to do more than expected. I want a break but if I’m being real, what were the previous few months if not a break? so I assume any real break would be spent in a similar way, just procrastinating and whining. it all feels so pointless


