in bed, thinking of the past. every day. often it makes me cry, even though compared to most of your stories my experiences seem mild. I tend to accumulate a large backlog of tasks and complete them at the last moment. and past few months felt as if it was a backlog of all the things I was supposed to feel throughout my life, and they decided to run through me all at once, I owe to process them after all, I refused to do it before. I don’t mind that but why, why did it have to happen at the moment when I already have a pile of shit begging to be done in uni. I’m trying to force myself to do a single thing for the third month in a row and fail. like, I have to start doing something when a philosophy professor asks whether or not I’m planning to finish the course (i didnt turn in a single assignment since new year). the only thing I do is complain about how much I need to do. this time might be the first time Im genuinely scared I won’t get away with that. im way too overwhelmed. I don’t know where to begin and how to manage all of this. Im not sure if I’ve reached the critical point yet. dropping out means I would need to deal with military service bullshit and I don’t have a plan. I want things to change yet do nothing. do nothing and yet I’m somehow so tired. I wish I had a year to just stay at my room, alone, without constant deadlines, maybe then I would make sense of myself. what the fuck is wrong with me. sorry for the rant. it’s just some babytrans bullshit probably. whatever.

    • somewhatsaltyOP
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      4 hours ago

      i force myself to eat once and rarely do anything else throughout the day. i cant accept that this is enough, because to get out of the current situation I need to do more than expected. I want a break but if I’m being real, what were the previous few months if not a break? so I assume any real break would be spent in a similar way, just procrastinating and whining. it all feels so pointless