I spent the whole day sleeping despite getting a full 8 hours during the night. I’m probably at my lowest point ever. My entire day is just sleeping, eating, doomscrolling tranistan, crying, chatting on discord, and dreading over being a tranny and simultaneously faketrans. What is the point of an existence like this? I don’t really know why I’m here. I feel like I have no worth. I’m not valuable to anyone. Not my looks, not my personality, not my interests, not anything. I have no value.

I’m completely stuck. I’ve been a recluse my whole life, but it’s really getting bad. I only go outside for therapy. But otherwise I’ve basically been in my room for a year, neet-maxxing. I feel like at every step of my life I’ve done everything I can to end up alone. It’s my natural state. Now I have no friends. My parents worry about me constantly because they can see that I’m suffering and that I’m doing nothing with my life. I don’t try do anything difficult. Difficult things make me nervous, and nervous things are unacceptable. Any time I’m deciding between two options, I will invariably pick the one that takes less effort and makes me less nervous.

My mom knows someone who can get me a manual labor job that pays 20 an hour. When she told me, my face went flush and I said “I’ll think on it.” I know that’s not true. I know given the option of going outside and working for money, or staying in the safety of my room and bed, I’ll choose the easier option. This is essentially how I’ve made every decision in my entire life. As you can imagine, it’s resulted in a life of total seclusion and loneliness. I’m a horrible person. I’m a privileged loser for not having a job and leeching off my parents.

The dysphoria just amplifies all this. I don’t want to go anywhere in public because the thoughts will start creeping back. Noticing that I’m taller than every cis woman I’ll ever meet and taller than most men, is extremely potent ropefuel. Seeing couples walking about and knowing that I’ll never have that. Seeing other women so happy and thriving and living life. I’ll never have any of this.

I’m starting to think I’m not fixable. What if this really is just my natural state? Maybe I was just designed for maximal suffering and I can never get better. I don’t know what to do