(lied to him because im a piece of shit and i remembered he doesn’t gaf anyway)

i don’t really know why im still moving forward with this? i don’t have a good reason im just off my meds and starving and running off three hours of sleep so i guess i just really trust my thinking abilities right now that this is the right decision (sarcasm). i don’t have anything to vent about because i am making the simplest choice ill ever make. throwing away all my chances at life just because im lonely and sad and dysphoric. i guess i don’t want to give life any more chances and i want to follow through for once. i don’t even really want to be a troon tbh like this was all a delusion probably and there’s no magical hope for life to be happy for me. at the same time i know im not even really sad or depressed or anything so i need to prove it. i almost thought i was gonna give it up today, i chatted with people in a local trans support group but all i said was “im not doing well and i probably shouldn’t talk about why” like a fag. it calmed me for a bit but im back on this wagon. i just want to make it actually happen, i want to prove i actually am a girl, the best way to do that is to die because i cannot be one in life. not just my body but my soul. i have the sexuality of a man too im a pervert and a fetishist. no different from many trans women but that doesn’t make it any better.