(THIS IS A REPOST OF SOMETHING I POSTED A FEW DAYS AGO ON THE SUB, REPOSTING TO SEE IF I’LL GET BETTER ANSWERS HERE, DELETE IF REPOSTS AREN’T ALLOWED)
what if i have no interest in killing myself or in dying (and i dont, i very much do not want to die) but i have rationally and logically concluded that i should?
i was originally going to make a giant long explanation on what my logic or rationale for it is, and how doing so is the best compromise for all parties involved (for me and for the people in my family who love me) taking into account what i am and am not, but im kinda too lazy to (at least rn) and i think the hypothetical may be more interesting
i dont want to die, but i think i should. is that kind of sentiment a bad thing? can it be countered even if the logic is airtight? (asking here because it directly connects to be trans)
with no details it’s hard to reach a conclusion. often what appears to be logical at some point in time is actually clouded by an altered mental state that someone might not even realize. in the end though, you’re just not supposed to kill yourself because humans are alive, and living things are supposed to keep living. I can’t think of a situation where there is genuinely no alternative to suicide when it comes to harm reduction.
i’m currently not suicidal though, that’s the thing
i have been in the past, and my logic on this issue was the same both then and now. the only difference is that now i have the irrational will to not die in me, something i didn’t have during the suicidal episodes
whether or not you’re actively wanting to commit suicide, believing it would be better if you were dead is classified as suicidal ideation
it’s a bit different than that, right now i’m at the peak but it’s impossible for this to continue
i have three vague paths ahead: -continue rep, eventually get married within the bounds of the culture & become a father/husband (must get off hrt by then), this is guaranteed to make me actively suicidal -fight for my freedom and autonomy, ignoring the fact that i don’t know how to do this and basically can’t, even if i do i’ll irrevocably damage the lives of so many people simply by being who i wish to be -kill myself before either choice is properly made, grief for those who love me but it’s normal-type of grief and they’ll feel better remembering me as who they wish i was
the actual best choice for everyone is for time to freeze and for this weird middle existence to continue, but that won’t happen. the second best choice is for my mind to be broken to the extent where i am able to get of hrt and rep without becoming actively suicidal, but that won’t happen either. suicide then is the best apparent option, but there’s probably other things too i may not be considering