The people in meatspace often highly complement me on my intelligence and like lowk this is how it makes me feel. Like how low is this bar we’re talking about exactly? Idk, I often feel bad because my self-esteem skewing low sometimes causes me to perceive complements as people being self-deprecating to themselves, which is something I’m working on for everyone’s sake. I want to be the kind of person someday where people say good things about me and I can understand the rationale. At present I just kinda feel like a retarded fraud who’s good at putting shower thoughts into academical jargon that prints out A grade papers, and otherwise has managed to “gap-year” my way into spending most of my adult life as a NEET. But idk, that doesn’t stop people from seeing a bright future for me. I want to believe so I’m just kinda forcing myself to at this point. Maybe years into faking it till I make it I’ll look back and discover I was never faking in the first place. That’s the good ending I guess.
No, no, you don’t get it. People like you have imposter syndrome. I just have imposter disorder. Instinctive smart person impersonator disorder. It’s totally different this time, trust
Idk sometimes it feels like I’ve seen enough smart people texts and stuff to know how to sound like them and that’s how deep as it goes. But idk that’s just what learning is isn’t it? Lol idk. I’ve just never gotten to the point where I can type out something and not think about my thoughts as a continuation of broader traditions, a mere drop in an ocean, owing too much to my predecessors to be something that stands on it’s own. I want to push myself to put thoughts to paper that, to me, actually feel innovative. Super compliment-heavy professors and peer-reviewers make me feel weird because they come off as easily satisfied to me, if not outright academically hugboxy, cuz I’m rarely satisfied with anything I do.
The people in meatspace often highly complement me on my intelligence and like lowk this is how it makes me feel. Like how low is this bar we’re talking about exactly? Idk, I often feel bad because my self-esteem skewing low sometimes causes me to perceive complements as people being self-deprecating to themselves, which is something I’m working on for everyone’s sake. I want to be the kind of person someday where people say good things about me and I can understand the rationale. At present I just kinda feel like a retarded fraud who’s good at putting shower thoughts into academical jargon that prints out A grade papers, and otherwise has managed to “gap-year” my way into spending most of my adult life as a NEET. But idk, that doesn’t stop people from seeing a bright future for me. I want to believe so I’m just kinda forcing myself to at this point. Maybe years into faking it till I make it I’ll look back and discover I was never faking in the first place. That’s the good ending I guess.
Imposter syndrome is common among academics and learned people. I wouldn’t feel too bad! You’re no moron!
No, no, you don’t get it. People like you have imposter syndrome. I just have imposter disorder. Instinctive smart person impersonator disorder. It’s totally different this time, trust
How our intellect shows is all about environment. But if the results don’t lie, how can you say you’re stupid?
Idk sometimes it feels like I’ve seen enough smart people texts and stuff to know how to sound like them and that’s how deep as it goes. But idk that’s just what learning is isn’t it? Lol idk. I’ve just never gotten to the point where I can type out something and not think about my thoughts as a continuation of broader traditions, a mere drop in an ocean, owing too much to my predecessors to be something that stands on it’s own. I want to push myself to put thoughts to paper that, to me, actually feel innovative. Super compliment-heavy professors and peer-reviewers make me feel weird because they come off as easily satisfied to me, if not outright academically hugboxy, cuz I’m rarely satisfied with anything I do.