I had AGP tendencies develop early on in my childhood and persisted into puberty, then I repressed for a long time before suddenly getting very bad gender dysphoria and getting on hrt at 21. It’s over, I’m the most faketrans there is. I was never feminine as a boy. I lived a normal boy life and was only friends with guys. I have male interests and a male brain. And now I’m suddenly pretending to be a woman. I relate to these anecdotes from the agp transsexuals. I literally made a comment a couple days ago about how I don’t relate to the “woman stuck in a male body,” but rather I’m a man stuck in a male body and I happen to have gender dysphoria.

“Over the years, I had started to believe that I had feminine tendencies. I had begun to form a “female identity” or a “girl within,” as autogynephiles are said to do as an attempt to rationalize their feelings. But since I discovered the concept of autogynephilia, thoughts of being an actual girl have vanished. I now realize that I am a “man trapped inside a man’s body.” My closest friends have always been male, my role models have always been male, and I am not particularly feminine.”

I have never felt so disgusted to be a man before. It really is just a paraphilia I developed that is motivating my transition. I’m not actually a man on the inside. I’m literally a disgusting freak that’s transitioning as a fetish. I will never be a real woman, not in mind or body.

The concept of autogynephilic transsexualism provides a useful model for conceptualizing the etiology and development of the most common form of MtF transsexualism in Western countries. In particular, it convincingly explains why some men who are not naturally feminine and who are sexually attracted to women experience the overpowering desire to turn their bodies into facsimiles of women’s bodies and live as women. Traditional explanations of this phenomenon—ones that do not include the concept of autogynephilia—are inevitably circular and self-referential, as I explained in Chap. 10. Autogynephilia is a sexual orientation, and men are willing to risk a great deal to express their sexual orientations and attempt to unite themselves with the persons or things they love, lust after, admire, and regard as beautiful.

The theory of autogynephilic transsexualism forces us to confront the fact that both our essential natures and our motives seem to directly contradict our desired ends. We autogynephilic transsexuals want to be women; but the theory tells us that we are not women and that we don’t even resemble women— not in the least. We would like to believe that our desire to be women springs from our need to express some internal feminine essence; but the theory tells us that we have no internal feminine essence and that our desire to be women actually springs from our paraphilic male sexuality

I HAVE NO INTERNAL FEMININE ESSENCE. IM JUST A MAN TRANSITIONING BECAUSE OF A FUCKING SEXUALITY. I WILL NEVER BE A WOMAN.

How will I ever get over the shame of really being a man on the inside. How can I even be in this community when I’m not really a woman. I can never have authentic friendships with women. I can never be in a real, loving relationship with a man. I actually would rather kms than accept that I’m a man on the inside. I can’t do it. I have no feminine essence… no feminine soul…