Proof that I shouldn’t transition

3 years ago, I remember developing higher than usual mental problems. I was like 14-15. Those problems were not related to gender dysphoria at all. I remember that they were tied to social loneliness, not being motivated to create stuff that I wanted to create, and just having mental breakdowns in general. I was depressed. Also some time after I’ve found out about “femboys” and stuff. - This had probably irreversibly attached femininity to my personality and manifested as a catalyst for this illness.

But ever since last month, my egg cracked so badly that I’ve been feeling constant dysphoria with multiple ups and downs.

Sometimes I feel very happy, high euphoria, I see myself as female mentally, and physically in the mirror, even if I look like a twinkhon pre transition.

But after an hour it can flip into a total opposite. I notice all my flaws, become extremely suicidal, just feel agonizing pain, unable to do much. I just get my headphones, lay, and have a mental breakdown.

Although most of the time I get normal dysphoria, not agonizing but not comfortable either. Or I just distract myself.

But why is all of this invalid? BECAUSE AS I SAID, I HAD THE SAME MENTAL ISSUES BEFORE DYSPHORIA, THEY WERE NOT RELATED TO MY BODY, I DID NOT CARE ABOUT MY BODY AT ALL, I REMEMBER BEING HAPPY THAT I DIDN’T CARE ABOUT MY BODY AS OPOSSED TO MY PEERS, I DRESSED LIKE SHIT, I HAD ALMOST A BUZZCUT, but I was not very masculine socially tho.

Like is it even possible that I’ve developed pseudodysphoria due to some other mental issues?

But I remember them decreasing a bit when I started to grow my hair out a bit and started acting more feminine, and being comfortable with myself.

But 4yran4 is a fucking cognitohazard, if I didn’t go here I would’ve been comfortable with being a “femboy”. If some sneedhons can become comfortable on /mtf while being barely fem, I could’ve too as a femboy.

I probably just have some kind of rapid switching bipolar, which doesn’t act on a monthly basis but hourly/daily. And my dysphoria is just cope to other mental problems.

For background, posting my dysphoria list.

ALL TRANS SIGNS EVER EXPERIENCED

Day to day dysphoria signs (certain)(mostly after egg crack)(pre HRT)(closet)

Face

• male jaw structure
• masculine nose
• male eyes
• masculine brows
• masculine chin

Body

• masculine broad shoulders (ropefuel)
• thick neck
• huge ribs (ropefuel)
• non feminine hip
• Body hair
• neutral about my bottom parts (yet), but not proud of them either, would like SRS if I pass.

Voice

• If I’m aware of it, it hurts to speak

Social

• Being seen as male
• Being treated as male, differently form women
• Being excluded from things directed to women
• Seeing how male I actually am if by some luck I even interact with a girl (ropefuel)
• P.E lessons
• My sister saying things like how I am… (guy smth) 😭 (Rope fuel, cognitohazard)
• Constant jealousy of other women, when looking at one just having an extreme wish to be like them
• Feelings of being malebrained

Things I don’t experience

• Pronounce dysphoria(yet)
• Bottom dysphoria, neutral mostly(yet)

Earlier signs, pre 17, pre 6 months from 28.02.26 (true egg crack, total pulverization)

Oldest, pre trans knowledge (fuzzy memory, inaccurate)(not genuine)

• Wanting to have long hair in kindergarten, like some other boy who had it(saw that it was possible for a boy to have long hair), for some reason I wanted long hair too.
• 12-13? Hating body hair, being uncomfortable with it. Remember asking my parents why I have it or smth. Possible it was because other guys didn’t have it yet. (Testosterone raped)
• 12-13 Playing a condo game on roblox(I was stupid), for some reason chosing girl morphs, and “doing the stuff” as one (don’t judge me please, back then I had no self awareness)
• 12-13 Watching my first anime SAO, wanting to be as feminine and long haired like Kirito from Gun Gale Online. Feeling comfortable with many girl characters.
• 9-10 Seeing girls having cool food themed collection toys at school “num noms”. (But my male friends were interested as well) Wanting to buy one after school while being in a shop with my dad. Bought it, later he saying these were “girl toys”. Feeling shame(conditioned to feel this way), giving it to my sister, she later had a whole collection.
• 11-12 Finding out about weight gain / stuffing content on the internet (fetish I had since a very early age)(never was actually fat or had someone in my family) Wanting to be like a girl gaining weight, not just being attracted to them.
• Sometime when I went running with my dad, I felt feminine, like girly, I’ve liked that feeling, it was back when I was femboycoping

Post trans knowledge (fuzzy memory)

• 12-13 Learning about trans people, Nolif, a polish youtuber transitioning. For some reason I watched her transition videos about surgeries, hormones and stuff? If I am cis, then why? (Honestly, this might’ve caused ROGD. Extreme Cognitohazard)
• A memory which I cannot account a date for. Playing some games while a nolif video was playing in the background, wondering if I’m trans like this too. My response being something like this: hell nahh, no way I’m not, no, no. (Extremely fuzzy, might be imagined/far fetched)
• 14 Buying a VR headset, playing bonelab and liking having a girl avatar, the same in vr chat I liked having a girl avatar
• 15, summer, watching Steins;Gate. For some reason I wanted to be like the character lukako. I wanted to be feminine like them. This made me reflect on who I was at the time. I desperately wanted to grow out my hair.
• Didn’t get a haircut for the whole summer, I was extremely dependent on my parents, had no self identity, didn’t ever care about how I looked or what hair I had, never really considered masculine aesthetics. Was too ashamed to tell them I wanted long hair, just even ashamed to take care of myself for some reason. They made me get a haircut, nearly a buzz cut, I was extremely sad, on the way back I opened the car door while my dad was driving. (Was this extreme dysphoria I didn’t realize was manifesting?) Since then I’ve slowly started reaching towards more femininity. From that point, I femboycoped.
• 15 Memory of questioning being trans. Being on vacation with my parents. Asking questions such as: if I’m trans or a femboy. I femboycoped… If only I had gone on 4tran back then I’d have bought diy.
• 15 While femboycoping having obvious skeletal and height dysphoria, couldn’t really perceive my face in a masculine manner, it was not a problem. Didn’t know much about dimorphism
• 16 wanting to be like Rei Ayanami while watching evangelion. She seemed like something that matched me.
• 18 years old, a month ago. Was a bit dysphoric, so I went on /tttt. Had an agonizing dysphoria episode this pulverized my egg so bad, that ever since then my dysphoria shows itself everyday consistently, and all of the dysphoria memories from before that time feel distant. A couple of days later I found 4tran4. Honestly this was a blessing, already ordered DIY. Otherwise I’d probably have John 50. But 4tran4 is also an extreme cognitohazard, you can’t go back and my dysphoria got much much much worse. My mental health got way down. The only thing giving me hope right now is DIY. If DIY and ffs fails, roping is the next step.