by the post title i don’t even mean just romantically, i mean making any connection of any kind ever. on paper i feel like it should be much easier to me, i mean i’ve made plenty of casual friends before, i’ve met lots of people and i’ve even had random men ask me out. you would think with all of this it would be so easy for me to try to form a closer connection with someone. and yet the sick truth is that i feel completely isolated from literally everyone i ever talk with, like a total stranger who can’t make any deeper connections no matter how much i long for them. i feel like growing up i spent my entire life alone in my bedroom, and now that i’ve been living on my own for years its literally been a similar story, never having anyone else i could consider myself close to in my life. its to a point where i feel like there’s something deeply defective with me, and that no one will ever be able to be close to me. i don’t know if its possible to escape it, or if its just something i’ll forever have to live with, maybe as a final curse for being trans.
Yeah. I think when you grow up trans and in the closet it’s hard to learn how to relate to other people. Pre transition i was actually able to talk to people fairly well, but that was by relating to them as a person i was not, and that’s obviously not helpful in actually learning to form any meaningful type of connection. Even had a bunch of partners that i struggled to actually ‘love’ because they were loving a person i wasn’t. I think also that the more time you spend isolated and hurting, the harder it becomes to talk to and trust new people at the level required to create any meaningful connection (but this might be just me given how many times i’ve gotten hurt by friends and others). It’s not great
