sometimes i take my pistol, turn the saftey off, and point it up at the roof of my mouth. i put my finger on the trigger and imagine the relief that could come after.

i could never do it though. i cant comprehend actually doing it. i dont really enjoy being alive but god im so utterly petrified when i think of being dead. i guess its just the idea of not existing thats nice. itd be preferable if i was never born to begin with. i dont have the strength to do it.

i dont think ive ever really been happy before. i dont know what would make me happy, aside from the impossible. i dont know what im doing here. i wish i wasnt afraid of death.