i saw a post on twitter recently detailing how they missed the optimism and excitement of their early transition days.
it struck me just how foreign of an idea this was to me. i havent enjoyed a single second of any of this.
the thoughts that lead up to transitioning, actually doing it, and every day after has all been steeped in some degree of despair. i didnt want my life to be like this. i tried to avoid it for as long as possible. i refused to even entertain the idea for years- it was too painful. i never possessed the delusion that i could “make it”.
reading that post on twitter just made me even more envious than i already typically am. if i was doomed to be a tranny, why couldnt i just be the happy emm tee eff type?
i wish i didnt gravitate to the board all that time ago- the 4tranosphere has been nothing but bad for me, even if its the only community i can relate to. maybe i wouldve been a doomer anyways, i dont know. i just wish i could be happy
I managed to stay hopeful for 5 years, then wanted to badly kill myself because of pretty much everything (6 years wait for hrt, loosing everyone i knew, every day getting hate at work etc) then it got better but i never got anything to hope for, i work i study, but i feel like a shell doing what seems the rational decision or just fills up some dopamine so i won‘t just cry, and there is no reason to believe it will get better for me
I can realistically have a good life, but a constant dread of beeing most likely dead in 5 years makes it far from easy