i saw a post on twitter recently detailing how they missed the optimism and excitement of their early transition days.
it struck me just how foreign of an idea this was to me. i havent enjoyed a single second of any of this.
the thoughts that lead up to transitioning, actually doing it, and every day after has all been steeped in some degree of despair. i didnt want my life to be like this. i tried to avoid it for as long as possible. i refused to even entertain the idea for years- it was too painful. i never possessed the delusion that i could “make it”.
reading that post on twitter just made me even more envious than i already typically am. if i was doomed to be a tranny, why couldnt i just be the happy emm tee eff type?
i wish i didnt gravitate to the board all that time ago- the 4tranosphere has been nothing but bad for me, even if its the only community i can relate to. maybe i wouldve been a doomer anyways, i dont know. i just wish i could be happy
i was also optimistic at first but then being aware of the dysphoria and being also aware of the lost possibilities makes for a combo of despair and pain. sometimes i wish i was never aware of my dysphoria, i wish that these feeling that i feel were just me feeling depressed and not my subconscious mourning the woman i never got to be. its just… idk hopeless.