I was watching a video called Childhood Crushes, where three women recounted their childhood crushes from various forms of media. They were able to remember crushes as early as 5 years old. At the end of the video I broke down crying. I have never experienced this. I have never had girl friends. I have never and will never experience womanhood. Where was my childhood? Why do I not remember anything? Where were my childhood crushes? Even as girls they had an identity. They knew - at least partially - who they were. I’m nobody. I’m an alien. I don’t have a personality. I don’t have a self or a soul. I feel so out of place. I don’t know who or what I am or where I fit in society. There is nothing I can do. My childhood is gone. I wasted it playing video games and distracting myself, and now I am so far developmentally delayed I fear I’ll never get on track. I have been socialized as a boy and as a man. There’s nothing I can do about it. I’ll never naturally be friends with women. I’ll never be accepted as one of their own. Even if I end up passing (I won’t), my soul has been tainted, and other women will be able to see right through me. I really feel I need to grieve everything that I’ve lost.