Three months ago I started taking estrogen. Today I stopped. The euphoria of finally admitting to myself that I am a transgender woman six months prior was already starting to fade before I had started and I feel no different emotionally or mentally from when I started. I would keep HRT repping but physical changes are starting to become visible. I’m 35, I knew if I was was going to transition socially it would mean I’d have to honmode and I thought I had accepted that; I’ve posted to fitttts and toonselfies and got positive receptions, I even showed up to two therapy sessions in girlmode and felt good about it both times. But now I feel it’s the time to either lock in (switch to injections, start laser, etc) or quit and I’m quitting. I’ve waited too long and it feels like I’d be blowing up my life with little chance of actually ending up happier for it. A month ago I started taking an SSRI, I feel this has helped me more psychologically than estrogen has. Over the last two weeks I’ve also started drinking and getting high significantly more - those are not ideal coping mechanisms, they got me through much of the last 15 years but at a significant cost to my physical health that I know will only get worse as time goes on. Maybe I’ll start HRT again. Maybe I’ll dissociate the rest of my life away. Maybe there’s another path. I don’t know. But I’m stopping my transition, at least for now. I’m sorry.
Please don’t stop just because you feel like you’d be honmoding. Idk what you look like, but you genuinely don’t know how BAD some of us looked before transitioning compared to 2-5 years in, it takes time and especially if you haven’t gotten laser yet as mentioned. You can find community and happiness regardless of appearance and I’m sorry our community is sometimes too edgy and does an awful job at representing this.
How bad is your dysphoria? I understand you feel like it will blow up your life, but turning to repping through unhealthy coping mechanisms is only going to compound over time and keep hurting you. Don’t give into the fear and uncertainty if the dysphoria is there and it’s hurting you, I’m not sure if any of what I wrote here is a proper read on the situation, but if any of this rings true, I’d urge you to lock in rather than quitting.