I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do. I can’t talk to people without wanting to turn inside out, even online it’s bad, but I’m so lonely. I hate being alone. I like people. I like talking to people. I just can’t do it. I just can’t. The thought of being around people my age makes me shrivel up like one of the ancient potatoes no one wants to toss out in case they might one day be used (they won’t). All of them have lives and friends and experiences I will never even touch. Not even just the women, but the men too. I just am so much of a nothingburger person. Like how do you start being a person? I’m really trying but it’s so hard. I’m like, extremely bpd I think (not just self diagnosis, the psychiatrist simply didn’t bother to officially diagnose me) and that makes it even harder. I barely even know myself. I don’t know what I like or what I don’t. I find everything interesting and so I can’t focus on anything enough to have a relevant, conversational interest in it. I feel ashamed for the things I like, and it’s mostly malebrained stuff I don’t think I’d be into if I was socialized right. Side note, male socialization is literally psychological torture and I think it’s a large part of why many men end up so fucked up and immature like me.

And I know a big problem of mine is I hate myself so much, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it. Literally the only time in my life I felt the self hatred fade was the semi-delusional month or so after deciding to transition and take hrt because I got psy-op’d by mossad trannies that post anglefrauded timeline pics without mentioning the $200k they spent only to still looked like a chopped faggot man under bad lighting.

I am literally one of the most manly being on the planet. I gave up trying to transition when I was 14 cause I could grow a beard, was 6’, and my voice had fully dropped (one of the worst experiences of my life). I don’t know what force possessed me to try now at 21 years old. Like. Son. It’s over. You’re done. You’re a man now. Congrats. I don’t know what the point is. Trying to transition just made me focus on everything that hurt and made me feel like a subhuman monster. And for what? What is the benefit? My parents are right! The thing I should be doing is literally anything but caring about that. Because it’s useless. I will never. Ever. Be seen as anything other than a man in a dress by everyone including myself if I continue transitioning. But despite me saying all of that, I don’t want to go back to testosterone. I keep trying it and it keeps making me feel more and more horrified each time I do. It’s fucking up my levels and probably making me more emotionally unstable too tbh. But I’m literally caught in an impossible situation. If I transition, I want to curl up and die. If I don’t transition, I want to curl up and die.

I want to be someone. A person. Someone that has personality traits beyond self loathing, emotional instability and suicidality. In fact I want to be a lot more than that. I want to sing and make music and enjoy being alive. Is it even being trans that’s gatekeeping me or is it just that I’m fundamentally broken and I’m not really trans, just a soulless chud?