i’ve noticed that i feel almost nostalgic about my worst bouts of depression and time in the ward, that part of me almost longs to be back there, because there’s something kinda appealing about having all my freedom and, thus, responsibilities taken away from me. being in a severe depression was obviously fucking horrible, and i really, really don’t ever want to return to it, but there was a certain simplicity in having given up on life… like, there’s just something that really scares me about all the things life will entail. in the more immediate sense, there’s the fear and anxiety associated with moving out, going to med school and having to somehow find completely new friends, organizing and traveling for surgeries, learning makeup, voice training, etc. then, there’s the fear that FFS won’t be enough to make me feel okay about my face, that voice training won’t be enough; and, legally and socially transitioning is scary as fuck. however, besides all the more immediate things, there’s also just the fear that i won’t be able to finish med school because it gets too overwhelming, that i won’t be able to live up to my own standards… and i think all this combined is so scary and anxiety-inducing that it almost feels easier to just give up on life, to avoid the problem entirely by killing myself.

however, i don’t fucking want to be like this! i want to live… i want to be a fearless and capable woman with a successful career as a doctor and researcher, someone who has a noticeable positive impact on the world. but, i find it so hard to make positive change in my life when i have this constant impulse to give up out of fear. i’ve always been so bad at being my own person. like, i’ve always been a people-pleaser, and i just don’t think i ever really learned to take proper responsibility for my own life. in a way, it’s almost sartrean: i’ve been living in bad faith for so long that i don’t know any other way to live… so, how do i stop being like this? how do i learn to take control of my life? i genuinely think this might be the root cause of most of my issues with mental health, but it feels like such a hard problem to tackle, and i just don’t really know where i’m supposed to begin…