The thought of calling myself trans, a woman or a lesbian in front another person, accepting or not, seems distressing to me. Having any semblance of femininity or even expressing the desire to be that way instinctively sounds shameful and I do not know when I will manage to get rid of that programming.

I don’t even have the guts to pick ‘female’ on anonymous questionaires. The only thing starting hrt did to my daily life is make me worry about my future and resent my past more than I already were. The most gender affirming thing I have ever done in my life is stepping on the pink colored steps while avoiding the blue ones on the trans colored stairs in my uni.

The only family I will ever have did this to me and I will be denied a family as well for trying to reverse my indocrination.

And even when I’m trying to reverse it, I’m still too much of a doormat to do it properly.