it doesn’t rlly matter what i do, how well i pass, surgeries, etc… i’ll always just be the failure son, and my family will forever see me as that. i’m gonna go to sleep thinking abt this. i like tossing and turning. i still hope that ill wake up as a real woman every night and that this is all a nightmare. but its not. i hate my life and i think about blowing my brains out every day. i went off my meds and i think im genuinely cooked. i’m not going back on them though but i feel weird. i struggle to see any reasons to stay. i don’t enjoy life.