Not out of disgust but… It just feels so fucking absurd

All of a sudden this became one of the primary causes of distress and pain in my already shitty life. It’s a feeling that cannot be shoved down now. Where was it earlier? Why now? Why ever? Why me? When I think about it like that it feels like this really isn’t something that should of happened to me. It just doesn’t make sense. Despite that, it’s what it is, there is no running from it. This is real. One cannot just give up and forget about it now. Well you can to an extent but that’d be a massively stupid choice.

It’s just… So strange. idk. I suffer from DPDR issues so often times I just feel like all I’ve done is enter a nightmare I can’t awake from. Not being literal obviously, I still have a mostly grounded sense of reality. It just kind of illustrates my feelings about this.

I question why I feel this way very often. But to do so drives me a bit insane at times. As much as I tell myself this doesn’t make sense that does not matter. This is just my life now. This is my reality.

fmstl. really what the fuck is this. I sometimes feel like I just induced it somehow but as I said. None of that really matters now. There’s no running.