190cm, expanded facial planes, broad shoulders, big ribcage, receded hairline, chad jawline, aquiline nose, big hands, big feet. i just want to go back and prevent all of this. i wish i had some control, some way i could change things. i was so happy for like half a month when i was deluded that hrt would do something for me. i think its the only time in my life ive ever felt kind of ok, and i still felt awful with how things were just hopeful that they could change…
idk, maybe it would never be good enough. i dont even come close to passing but i feel so bad about being hollow behind the tumor. i dont know if i would want children, but i dont even get to make the choice, in fact, i dont even get to know what i would choose. its sickening. i dont know anything of what it means to be a woman. im just the guy they cross the street for at night.
at least in my dreams i can barely touch the life ill never live.
idk i keep attempting suicide and the gap between attempts is decreasing and severity of attempts is increasing. the last time there was collateral damage. all i am is a burden to a medical system better served helping people that can be helped. i think the best option for me is to overdose on what i have (easily lethal) and not tell anyone. by the time i succumb to cowardice i will hopefully be beyond saving.
if i wasnt born into a mormon family and delusionmaxxed for so long, i dont think id have even made it this long. i genuinely cannot stand a single thing about being male. it makes me sick. it makes me scream and cry like a deranged animal, because screaming or crying normally sounds more male. i cant take it. i cant take another moment seeing that fucking mans face or hearing his disgusting sobs. i cant stand looming over every other person on the planet. i cant stand it. i never could. i cant escape this. im just borrowing time from myself. i cant keep living like this for the hope that it will hurt less some day. thats not a life.
I hear you and understand you. On one hand I hope you don’t attempt or succeed, but I wish you peace in life or in death regardless, cuz you don’t deserve to live like that, and hearing of the depths of your pain is moving… like… I’m just so sorry… you absolutely deserve so much better. I just hope that the aforementioned peace is something you can find here in the realm of material with us, and it’s a question you only get the answer to by sticking around despite all signs pointing to there being no point and seeing if viewpoints and priorities reorientate with time.
I can’t be the one to say that you can or you will find it, tho. I don’t live your life, so excuse my ignorance. I just worry, I want to at least bring to mind other considerations that can make your decision-making more level and informed, and less guided by passionately dark impulses. But your life is in your hands at the end of the day. Just know you’re not a drain because you’re like this.